Updated: Feb 23
My daughter died. She was alive, and then she was dead. I found out with the ultra sound technician and my OBGYN that she no longer had a heartbeat. That was it. Talk about pure and utter SHOCK. As I lay there with my belly covered in jelly, with the doctor’s hand on my shin and the sweetest ultra sound technician’s hand in mine, tears flooded my eyes and painfully rushed down my cheeks. A hymn filled my mind. “What a Friend We Have in Jesus” played on repeat through my thoughts, and the words were deafening. You see, that sweet hymn was my granddaddy’s favorite. My granddaddy was one of my favorite people to ever live. As I lie there in shock with the hymn on repeat in my mind, all I could say was, “Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay.” There I was shattered without my husband, my best friend, my other half. Thanks COVID-19. Then it hit me HARD. I was going to have to give him the worst news of his entire life. His child died. Our child, sweet baby Jade at 36 weeks gestation had gone to be with our Savior without any notice or warning and due to no fault of our own. As our OBGYN said, “this is just a terribly tragic accident.”
It hurt. It hurts. Heartbroken, confused, and devastated, I clinged to my Savior! As I drove home, I begged him to let this be a nightmare because how could this EVER be true? I got home in complete denial and all four of our parents arrived. Beyond grateful for them and the overwhelming comfort each of them continuously give us, I just had an abundant faith that He would perform a miracle like He did with Lazarus and the little girl in Mark chapter 5. I knew that we would go to the hospital the next day, and she would cry and breathe. I worshipped, praised, prayed, petitioned all night long. I held my husband as he mourned and eventually drifted to sleep, but I prepared our hospital bags and went to war for our Jade’s life. I was ready to give God all of the glory and honor for this miracle I was convinced He was going to perform. He had done it seven years prior with our Lily Micah. He would surely do it again. I BELIEVED IT! Long story short, the doctor told me she was “out” as he performed my c-section. There was no cry. No one knew at the time that I hadn’t let go of hope. I had a friend named Joy in college who was dead for forty-five minutes at birth before she took her first breath. So, I kept waiting for Jade to come back to life before my eyes like Joy. We held her for four hours, and I finally began to mourn the loss of Jade Cannon‘s life. Did you know that weeping with an incision across your lower abdomen is excruciating? It without a doubt is a small amount of pain compared to the pain I was experiencing as a mother who had to let go of her newborn’s lifeless body knowing I would not see her again until I approached the pearly gates of heaven. At thirty-one years old with two beautiful living children, I hope that time is a long way off, but in that moment of earthly goodbye I wished it wasn’t far away. I do not serve God because He answers all of my prayers or waves a magic wand to honor my wishes. It is an honor to love and be loved by my creator, regardless of the pain this broken world has to offer. Could He have saved Jade? Yes. Did He? No. What a test of faith it has been.
It has been almost six months, and some days the ONLY reason I can breathe is because of JESUS and His unfailing faithful love! I am healing, and I try to wake up every day and choose joy. However, grief is a long and ugly process. Often, I yell out, “how much longer am I going to feel this way, Lord? I don’t want to hurt like this anymore.” Sadly, I also shouted out in agony many times, “SERIOUSLY? I thought you were my best friend? How could you do this to me? How could you tease me with her? Why are you punishing me? What have I done to deserve this?” The devil loves to twist our pain and turn us against the only One who saves us. He is doing a mighty work in my life, friends. I know He is not punishing me. I know He did not tease me. I know He IS my BEST friend. I know this has indefinitely brought me closer to Him. He is a good good Father. For these truths, I am so grateful! Feelings are not truth. Whenever I find myself in the dark rabbit hole of grief... again... I ask the Holy Spirit to speak to me, and to renew and refresh my spirit. I listen, and then I write it down. Hence, the reason for starting this blog.
Today, I want to tell you what He has shown me through my grieving. First, you are never alone. Even when it feels heavily lonely, He is fighting for you. He is with you. He will never leave you... not even when you disrespect Him by yelling angrily at Him. He already knows, you might as well be honest with Him about it. Right? I mean, He will not leave you or forsake you. Nothing can separate you from the love of Christ. “No power of hell, no scheme of man can ever pluck you from His hand.” Secondly, keep fighting with your grief. Do not try to bury it. It only makes it a thousand times worse when you pretend you are not hurting, and you shove it down. Allow yourself to feel all of the feelings you are feeling. Thank you for reminding me to do this over and over, Mama. Finally, I encourage you to talk about it. Call a close friend, text your person, and most importantly go see a therapist or counselor. Not just when your child dies, but anytime you are grieving. Talking helps, and they give helpful advice that helps the healing process.
P.S. Charlie Brown is so ignorant. There is nothing good about grief except for God, and the community He surrounds me with what lifts me up. Thanks for reading! Always know that I am here for you. Feel free to reach out anytime.